Getting Testy

Josh Farnsworth
Take this homemade quiz and score how you did at the end.

What Harry Potter character are you? 

If you were an entrée, you’d be…

Just how ‘80s are you?

Perhaps the most saturated content online while you are busy in-between waiting for your kids’ lessons to finish up are those wonderful surveys to help “measure” just how you compare amongst a certain fandom. 

For the record: Ron Weasley, meatloaf and, appropriately, 80% 80s.

It’s all harmless fun - reminisce about old times, answer a few questions, get a fun answer to see how compatible with something or someone you are… and then retake it seven more times until you beat the algorithm into submission and get the answer you really want. 

After all, over your dead body you are a Samantha in those Sex and the City quizzes, right? You are a Carrie Bradshaw, darn it!

While there are a few parent-based ones out there, I have wondered about ones that best describe whether you have the personality of a certain type of parent. Mostly, I am curious if other parents have similar front row seats to the things my kids are saying/doing. Am I getting the same experience as other parents to 5- to 8-year-olds?

Why wait for an algorithm? I have all the research I have in front of me. Take this homemade quiz and score how you did at the end. It’s science…kind of.

Question 1: On average, how many times have you heard the word ‘butt’ in your kids’ casual conversation this last week?

  • 0 points: 0 (What’s it like?)
  • 1 point: 1-10 (Guessing they are distracted by other funny words this week?)
  • 5 points: 11+ (Give yourself an additional point if you’ve had to place “butt limits” on what they say, just so you feel better that they have other words they still remember.)

Question 2: How early do your kids wake up?

  • 0 points: After 8 a.m. (Your child is perfect. Never change a single thing about your routine.)
  • 3 points: Always at 6:30 a.m. or earlier (May your coffee maker never break.)
  • 5 points: At 6:30 a.m. or earlier on weekends, but struggle to arise on school days (The best minds in science are still figuring this one out.)

Question 3: Unprompted, your children are likely to emerge from their room dressed…

  • 0 points: Tastefully in relatively ordinary clothing and fully dressed (Show off)
  • 2 points: Everything is mismatched, but at least they have pants on (To be fair, this is how I would score myself.)
  • 4 points: In the same pajamas they have worn for the last 36 hours (Come on, mom and dad, comfort is king!)
  • 10 points: Wearing several parts of multiple Halloween costumes and at least five minutes into their own story (Less worry if the ensemble includes a helmet for when they attempt to walk around the house in it.)

Question 4: The best comparison for your kids’ eating habits is…

  • 0 points: Minimalist: They eat what is provided, politely and do not disturb you for a snack until the next scheduled meal. (This concept is completely alien to me. Please send pictures as proof this habit exists.)
  • 3 points: Wolves ripping through a plate with reckless abandon (Safest thing to do is lob the plate in front of them so you don’t accidentally lose an arm.)
  • 5 points: Locusts leaving no morsel uneaten and moving quickly onto the next meal (Never thought a grocery bill could make a grown man cry.)

Question 5: When bedtime is announced their reaction is…

  • 0 points: Reasonable and cheery (What?? Liar. In fact, lose an additional point if they climb into bed without a single threat.)
  • 2 points: Melancholy, but swift (A good two-minute meltdown, but that energy spent was enough to exhaust them to sleep.)
  • 5 points: Atomic and needy (Immediately, their young bodies need food, drink, books, light, attention and the chance to run around simultaneously. The human body is a wonderful thing, huh?)

Question 6: When it is their turn to listen to music, they…

  • 0 points: Sit still and listen only (Even when dance music comes on)
  • 3 points: Sing a bit here and there and tap their toes (Sometimes, this is just to the theme song of their favorite show or a jingle they have been overexposed to)
  • 5 points: Quickly go to full-on singing at the top of their lungs - complete with interpretive dance (I’ll be honest, this one is all my fault for my goofballs.)

Question 7: When they decide to create a story/action sequence, they…

  • 0 points: Really reign it in and try casual dialogue (something you would find on PBS)
  • 3 points: Decide to go with a structured comedy that involved silly names, but low energy (something you would find on Disney Junior)
  • 5 points: Turn the story into a sci-fi, hero-heavy, dramatic space opera about the tiniest of things (not suitable for TV)

Question 8: When your kids read, they prefer to read…

  • 0 points: With their inside voice, always (and you probably have to check on them every five minutes to make sure they are still reading)
  • 3 points: Aloud for the rest of the room to share in the experience (same goes for this wonderful column)
  • 5 points: With gusto and different zany voices for each character (may need to temper that excitement when they are old enough to read harrowing tales)

How did you score? Check it out…

Your kids are…

0 points or less: Void of goofball. Void of little kid. Are you actually raising a polite adult?

1-10 points: Slightly goofball. Their wacky streaks are subdued and you rarely have to refer to outings or events as “chaotic”.

11-22 points: Goofball tendencies. You might have a different genre of goofball altogether.

23-34 points: Goofball rising. There is a consistent goofiness to your experience, but you may even still have a full head of non-graying hair.

35-44 points: Certified goofball! This is a safe space, reader. We have much to chat about.

45+ points: Actually parents of Cooper or Milo. And if not, we are truly parental soulmates.

I hope this quiz helps answer that pressing question you had about your kids. There is power in knowing. 

Just be sure to only take this quiz once for an accurate reading. And don’t fret. Not everyone is a Carrie Bradshaw, after all.

Josh Farnsworth is a husband, father of goofballs Cooper and Milo, goofball himself, and award-winning writer and columnist living in Worcester. He can be reached for column ideas at josh.farnsworth@yahoo.com.