Opening My Heart To Open Adoption

Dr. Robyn and baby Tallie

If someone had told me a year and a half ago that I would have agreed to an open adoption plan—and was thrilled about the outcome--I would have told them they were crazy. Flat out nuts. I mean, hadn’t they ever heard of Baby M? I can still hear the sensationalized sound bite being played in my head—“I want my baby back! I want my baby back!” And the Internet. Geez. Talk about highlighting the ugliest side of open adoption. I made the mistake of googling “open adoption” a few times along my journey. Try it. You’ll get a litany of blogs run by birth moms who were burned by adoptive families that reneged on their open adoption plan soon after the papers were signed. This couldn’t possibly be for me.

It's funny—no…sad--but it seems that much of what's out there can really be a turn off to potential adoptive parents as well as to birth moms who are considering open adoption as a viable solution. And it's not just the media. I mean, frankly, even some of the professionals out there seem to be card- carrying members of the "adoption prevention committee." In their attempt to "educate" and perhaps "put things in perspective," they manage to scare the bajeezes out of people. Yes, I mean that in the technical sense. We should know. The first time my husband and I started thinking about adoption we went to see such an adoption lawyer.

I'm sure he said hello. Probably did the conventional niceties and such. But all I remember was his first question to us and the explanation that followed. "What are you willing to accept?" My husband and I looked at each other with raised eyebrows. Seeing our questioning faces, he went on to clarify. "The baby. Cocaine addicted? Alcohol affected? Meth withdrawal? Medical problems?" He held a small pad of paper as if he was taking our order with a side of fries.

He began to enlighten us about the possible perils of adoption. My mind began to wonder. Maybe we should just get another puppy. Or a house plant. House plants are nice.

After years of infertility and jabbing myself with needles I wondered if it was too much to ask for a healthy child. Could it really be that adoption came in a doggie bag of leftovers that nobody wanted anymore? And open adoption wasn't even on the radar screen—I mean, who could blame me? Why would anyone want to be openly matched up with all these "crazy" birth moms who would willingly put their babies in harm's way during pregnancy?

We walked out of the lawyer's office with a renewed conviction that we would indeed get pregnant even if it meant more blood tests, stronger drugs and countless visits to doctors poking around where the sun don't shine.

Two more years passed. Two more miscarriages. I had all but shut the door on adoption until our friend Mark contacted us to announce that he and his wife had just adopted a healthy baby girl named Katie Ann. Coupled with my seemingly insurmountable fertility issues (see baystateparent articles in June and July 2009 in archive issues at baystateparent. com), once again my eyes were thrust open to the possibility of adoption.

When we met our local adoption consultant, Deb, we were certainly wiry. Rough around the edges. Of course we were. We had been through a lot. She dispelled some of the adoption myths right away and then she broached it: open adoption. The term that we held far away from our noses with a pair of tongs so it couldn't touch us. Our hearts were clamped closed. "No, definitely not." We threw every excuse at her. "We don't want to invite that kind of lunacy into our lives." "It wouldn't be good for the baby." "We couldn't handle that."

She smiled. And with no uncertain terms she told us that we had been ill-informed. She had an open adoption plan with her daughter's birth mother and considered it one of life's best blessings.

"She's lovely. We visit her every year."

"Really? With your daughter? Isn't that weird? Scary? Confusing? "

"No. Everyone knows who everyone is and it feels normal to my daughter and to us. This is her family. It might not be the "typical" but what family is "typical" these days anyway? No pressure. Just think about it. "

So we opened our minds. We opened our hearts. We held our breath. We jumped in.

We started getting "baby emails," descriptions of possible matches, that threatened to change our minds once again. "Birth Mom Sarah. 5'8". 190 pounds. Cut down to 1/5 of vodka per day. Currently incarcerated. Meth addicted. History of schizophrenia. Due October of 2008." This didn't feel right.

But it was only a few days into the process that we received an email about Crystal. The email described a girl, 21, who somehow sounded a lot like me and a birth father, 22, who sounded a lot like my husband. No drugs. No alcohol. But that wasn't what caught us. It was three little descriptors that a sensitive social worker had written into the email. "Beautiful, smart and very sweet." That doesn't sound scary at all. We submitted our profile. In a matter of days we had chosen her. She had chosen us. And just like that, we were connected forever.

By opening our hearts to open adoption we were able to talk on the phone with the amazing woman who would be giving birth to our daughter. We were able to be there for the ultrasounds that revealed we would be having a girl. My husband was able to cut the cord and I was able to be the first to hold our baby as soon as she was thrust into this world.

But there was another beautiful byproduct. By opening our hearts to open adoption we were able to meet and fall in love with our baby's birthparents. We were able to extend an open hand to an extended family who we would never have known had we opted to shut the door. We were able to connect, heart to heart, with mutual feelings of admiration, respect and appreciation for one another.

One thing is for sure. Our daughter will know love. It comes from all directions— from blood—from the heart—from across state borders. It's not weird. It's not scary. It's just our little piece of reality.

It's amazing how the heart will flower once you let it. In celebration of our daughter, Talia Paige Silverman, born February 19th, 2009, through the amazing and beautiful process of open adoption. Welcome to the family, our sweet baby girl.

Dr. Robyn Silverman is a child development specialist, success coach and parenting expert who recently became Mom to baby daughter, Talia Paige, through the miracle of open adoption. Dr. Robyn will be running several teleseminars and coaching groups to help other parents who are also interested or currently going through the adoption process. These teleseminars will feature adoption experts, birth parents and adoptive parents who will provide different perspectives and experiences with adoption—an AMAZING opportunity! For more information, to reserve your spot, or to contact Dr. Robyn, please visit DrRobynSilverman. com or to take part in her Powerful Parenting Blog, visit DrRobynsBlog.com

Become my friend on Facebook! facebook.com/people/Robyn-Abeles-Silverman/1656025902

Follow me on Twitter! twitter.com/drrobyn