I can do it MYSELF

BY dr. robyn j.a. silverman

Editor's note: This is the second in a series of articles on teaching self reliance.

Next month: Teaching your child how to tie his shoe.

Fred Johnson had to speak to me IN PERSON. His son, Chris, a typical active 5-year-old boy with light red hair and a quiet disposition, had an epiphany. Stemming from several conversations we had had in class about the ability to do things by oneself, the children were on the prowl for opportunities to demonstrate self reliance. Fred told me:

"I leapt out of bed at 7:30 am. I was running so late and I had to have Chris packed and ready to leave for the Cape at 8 a.m. When I ran into Chris' room his bed was empty. The bathroom; empty. Hallway; empty. I mean, I didn't have time for this! You can imagine my surprise when I ran into the living room and there was Chris, sitting on the couch, dressed, having already eaten, with his SpongeBob suitcase, packed, next to him! So I asked him, "Chris, what happened? He looks right at me and says all matter-of-factlike; "Dad, this is what self reliance looks like!"

Whether your child is going for an overnight sleepover at a friend's house, a weeklong trip with Grandma and Grandpa, or on a summer vacation with you, they can make a contribution to the packing process.

While it's often easier, quicker, and, let's face it, often more skillfully done if we do it, children must be given the opportunity to do things on their own if they're going to develop confidence in their own abilities.

Packing their overnight bag or summer vacation suitcase is a great way for children to develop planning, selecting, and decision-making skills. And while you may need to provide some assistance or "check their work" after their first attempts, you will likely be surprised by how quickly they pick up the skill … and how proud they are of their very "grownup" abilities.

Here are some ways to get started:

1. Talk to your children about self reliance: If they haven't heard the word before, introduce it. Brainstorm some ways everyone in the family shows self reliance; brushing their own teeth, sweeping the floor by themselves, or putting their toys away are all good ones. Then, issue a challenge and encourage your children to pack their own vacation bags. Show them that you have confidence in their abilities and get them excited about doing something on their own.

2. Let them know what's happening: Tell your children about any vacations, trips, overnights, or special classes so they can start to mentally prepare. Have them start thinking about what they'll need for their special vacation with Grandpa or their overnight at Taylor's house.

3. Teach them how to make a list: If your child is old enough to write, she will be able to start a list of what she'll need to put in the bag. Younger children need more help then older ones. Check the list after they think it's complete. If something's missing, like a toothbrush, simple ask a question like, "what will you need to get ready for bed at night and when you get up in the morning?" Allowing them to come up with the answer will reinforce their abilities to be self reliant.

4. Designate the bag: If your children are frequently going on a trip to Grandma's house or down to the Cape during the summer, make sure that they each have a bag that's specifically assigned to that situation. That way, they won't keep taking things out and putting things in - a recipe for forgotten and lost items. Help them to choose the right bag for themselves. Then, make sure they keep the bag in a spot where they'll be able to find it and access it easily.

5. What should always be in the bag? Help your children determine some things that stay in the bag at all times. For example, if sunscreen always needs to go to with them to the beach house, teach your children to always keep a bottle in the special bag. If they use this item when they're home as well, make sure they have a second bottle in the bathroom so they don't need to take it out of the bag.

6. Teach them how to figure out how much they'll need: Make some simple equations. Number of nights equals number of pairs of underwear. Number of days equals number of pairs of socks.

7. Have them get dressed in their minds: If they're going somewhere hot, have them pretend to get dressed and talk out loud about each article of clothing they will need, for example, underwear, shorts, t-shirt, sandals, hat, sunglasses, bathingsuit and sunscreen. They can even do an actual "run-through" and get dressed as if they were at their destination so they don't miss anything important.

8. What will they do while they're waiting? Teach your children to prepare for times that they'll be active and times when they'll be relaxing or waiting. What will they do to occupy their time when in the car, on the plane, or during a break? Whether they're traveling far distances or simply waiting on several lines at a theme park, they'll need to think ahead and pack accordingly.

9. Have them check off everything on their master list: As each article is packed, teach them to check off the item on their list. Make several copies so that they can easily be accessed, dated, used, and then thrown away. Did they pack their camera? Check. Did they pack their toothbrush? Check. Do they have their favorite stuffed animal? Check. Permit them to check off the items so that it reinforces their own self reliance.

10. Allow them to make small mistakes: While it's not OK for them to forget their airline tickets, it is OK if they forget less significant items like their favorite stationary or the book they really wanted to read. These mistakes can be chalked up to learning as they learn to cope without these things. While it's difficult to see them upset, teaching self reliance comes from trial and error as well as from direct teaching from you.

Interestingly, most character-based words rely a great deal on modeling the desired behavior in front of our children. Model respect to teach respect. Model tolerance to teach tolerance. But teaching self reliance depends on a counterintuitive tactic - we must "step back" in order to give our children the opportunity to learn it. Over time, and with the right opportunities, children can learn to rely on their own abilities - something that will serve them in every area of their lives.

Dr. Robyn Silverman is a child development specialist, success coach, and parenting expert who has won several awards for her tips-based articles. Known as "The Character Queen," she's the creator of the Powerful Words Character Toolkit, a character-building program used worldwide in children's activity centers and families. She speaks at conferences and businesses worldwide discussing topics such as creating positive limits for children, raising kids with character, and bringing out your child's inner leader. For more information, or to contact Dr. Robyn, please visit www.DrRobynSilverman.com or to take part in her Powerful Parenting Blog, visit http://www.DrRobynsBlog.com