i can do it MYSELF

BY dr. robyn j.a. silverman

Editor's note: This is the first in a series of articles on teaching self reliance.

Next month: Teaching Your Child How to Pack His Own Bag/Suitcase for a Summer Vacation.

"I hate to see her struggle like that."

"I'll just do it for him this one time."

"We're in a rush so…"

It's just one of those things, isn't it? We all do it every once in a while. Maybe it's because it's easier, faster, or better if we do it for them. A little more time. A little less frustration. Maybe it's just because we love them so much. So sometimes, we make their beds, tie their shoes, pack their bags, prepare their lunches, wipe their faces, and do their chores for them, even when we know that they can do it by themselves.

But our choices can backfire. They can make children overly dependant on others and rob them of the opportunities to challenge themselves and build self confidence in their own abilities.

With the term "helicopter parents" (used to describe overprotective parents who hover too closely and help too readily whether their children need their assistance or not) infused into everyday vernacular, Moms and Dads are trying to stay clear of the label.

It can be challenging for parents to know when to let their child fly solo and when (and if) they should assist or take over.

In our hearts, we know that it's developmentally fitting for children to become more self reliant as they age.

The most powerful parents aim to strike a balance between allowing their children to do tasks on their own and helping them when they really need it. This balance allows their children to thrive because they feel more confident in themselves while still feeling supported and properly mentored.

When it comes time to teach selfreliance to children:

1. Gives choices not orders: Even young children can make sound decisions if you give them a few select choices. Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? Would you like a peanut butter sandwich or a cheese sandwich? As children get older, you can allow them to make more important decisions. While it's tempting to make all of the decisions for your children, they need to learn from their own mistakes and stand on their own two feet - after all, their instincts are often correct!

2. Allow them to engage: While it's often quicker and more skillfully done when we do it for them, children need to engage in tasks on their own if they're ever going to learn how to do them well. Her bed might not be made perfectly and her clothes might not always match but her ability to feel confident in her abilities will be strengthened when we give her the opportunity to try.

3. Listen for interest: When children express a desire to engage in a task, and it's safe, be sure to let them participate. Again, while it may not be done as well as if you had done it yourself, praise the effort and the initiative and allow your children to try it again next time. They will surely get better and better with each effort, mistake, and success.

4. Show them how it's done: Parents have many responsibilities - let your child see them and hear about them! Say out loud; "This mirror seems a little dirty, I'll go get a rag and clean it" or "I've got to hang this picture up. I'll go get the hammer and a nail." When children see you making decisions, taking initiative, and displaying self reliant behaviors, they will engage in similar behavior.

5. Watch gender-biased behavior and language: If you and your spouse are used to dividing up the household chores, especially if they're divided down traditional gender lines, your children may assume that "girls can't do this" or "boys shouldn't do that." Show your boys that a girl can change a light-bulb and boys can clean the dishes.

6. Be your child's coach rather than his sage: When your child asks you how to do something, sometimes asking questions is more important than providing answers. "What do you think you should do? How would you feel if you chose X? What would happen if you did Y instead?" These questions can unlock the answers in your own child's brain so the next time he's in a similar situation he'll be able to call on his own experience and judgment to make a decision.

7. Show your support: Sometimes this means cheering them on from the sidelines and other times it means encouraging them to try again. Of course, when children truly need your help, they should know that they can count on you. If you teach them to ask for help when they really need it, such as when something seems unsafe or too challenging, they should know that you will be there to assist them.

8. Provide them with responsibilities: Chores are great for teaching children how to be self reliant as well as how to work as a team. Take some time to teach your children how to do each chore properly. You can even work on a checklist together which helps to break down the task into easy, age-appropriate chunks.

9. Encourage healthy risk-taking: Show your children you have confidence in their abilities. Cheer them on as they learn how to swim. Urge them to introduce themselves to new friends. Support them in trying new activities like martial arts, gymnastics, and bicycling. When they try new things, they'll be more apt to find activities and people that they like, and more likely to develop confidence in their judgment and abilities.

10. Assure your children that making mistakes is OK. The most important thing is that they try! Many tasks are not done perfectly the first time - no matter what age they are. It can be tough to watch our children make mistakes. We may want to rush to their aid to shield them from impending failure or disappointment. However, when parents do this, they rob their children of some very powerful tools; perseverance, confidence, and yes, self reliance.

Children are relying on their parents to teach them how to master the world around them. The best parents know that mastery does not come from watching but from doing. It is through experience that self reliance is born.

Dr. Robyn Silverman is a child development specialist, success coach, and parenting expert who has won several awards for her popular tipsbased column Parenting 1-2-3 featured in Bay State Parent magazine. Known as "The Character Queen," she's the creator of the Powerful Words Character Toolkit, a character-building program used worldwide in children's activity centers and families. For more information, or to contact Dr. Robyn, please visit www.DrRobynSilverman.com or to take part in her Powerful Parenting Blog, visit