three's a CROWD

BY dr. robyn j.a. silverman

"You're not my friend anymore!"

 

And so went the chorus of Olivia, Laura, and Maddie, three feuding preschool friends, who had affectionately declared themselves "The Three Princesses of Woobie-Woobie" only 15 short minutes before. Still donning the leopard-printed "princess hats" that came with their three matching pajama sets, they cried, stomped, moped, and pointed at each other with horrified dismay.

What had happened?

While the full explanation had something to do with a pink stuffed cat, an old, warn, Tickle-Me-Elmo, and a hairbrush, there's a simpler answer.

Whenyou'rea preschooler,three is a crowd. Preschoolers typically lack the sophisticated social skills, such as perspective-taking, anger management, and assertive communication, to play diplomatically with a group of friends.

While your child might work well in a pair, playing in threes can bring up issues of jealousy, exclusion, and ganging up that can only come when another child is thrown into the mix.

Threesomes can be particularly challenging because children must consider the needs of multiple peers while simultaneously considering the needs of themselves.

Preschool is often one of the first times children have the opportunity to participate in extended contact with several friends at one time. This new dynamic makes even the most basic interpersonal skills more complicated for the typical youngster.

Take sharing, for example. When a child is sharing a toy with one other friend, they both know, "If I don't have the toy, she does. If she doesn't have the toy, I do." That's what it means to take turns. A third party throws a wrench in the plan. Sharing becomes a whole lot more complex and confusing.

Therefore, it's not surprising that a play date can easily end in a meltdown when one of the three friends wants her toy back. After all, the child is not going to say, "It makes me feel angry when you don't give me adequate time to play with the toy you brought over." She is much more likely to fly off the handle, throw the toy at the other child's head, and say "I hate you!"

So why bother?

Even though triads can be trying, these early friendships can help preschoolers to develop important social skills such as entering existing conversations, negotiating conflict with more than one other person, regulating impulse control, assigning roles, and coping independently without the interference of adults. Such skills help the children fair better socially and perhaps more surprisingly, academically, too.

Studies have shown that children who can navigate friendships more easily are more engaged in learning and more likely to stay in school as adolescents. In addition, these early friendships tend to lay the foundation for mature personal and professional relationships.

Given the importance of friendships and friendship skills, here are seven ways to help your children cope with playing in threes:

1. Organize a 3-way play date:

While a play date with three friends might be more difficult than with two, repeated three-way interactions can help your child develop important social skills. Think about which three friends could work well together. Do two of your child's friends have similar interests? Do you think their personalities would mesh well? Choosing friends who may be a little more "laid back" or mature might be a good place to start.

2. Have a pre-game meeting: When

the children first arrive, huddle up and pre-frame the day. Tell them, "We all want to have a great time, right? What can we do to make sure we all have a great time together? What makes play dates not-so-fun for everyone?" Give everyone a chance to talk and offer their opinion. If they aren't sure of the answers, you can provide some ideas such as "make sure everyone is included" or "share" and let them respond or elaborate.

3. Encourage turn-taking: When you have three friends, each child is likely going to have a different "favorite game," as well as a different perspective about how a certain activity should be conducted. Ask each child which activities they would like to do that day and how they would like it to be played. Each child should get a say. Then, help them to pick the order of those activities. For example: First, hide and seek. Second, macaroni project. Third, dress up.

4. Teach them how to compromise:

Help your child understand how to offer a suggestion, listen to other people's ideas, and come to a decision that feels fair for everyone involved. When offering a suggestion, teach her how to be assertive rather than demanding or passive. She can say, "You promised that we'd play dolls after lunch. It's my turn now." Pouting in the corner or yelling "I hate you," is not productive and won't result in keeping the peace among three friends.

5. Do some role-playing: The earlier we teach a child how to cope with three-way dynamics, the less traumatic issues will be when they actually arise. Parents can act out a play date with their child and demonstrate how to compromise, take turns, and share when there are three people involved. They can also organize a pretend play date with three of their child's dolls. Acting out possible problems and solutions can help your child understand what to do when she encounters the problem in real life.

6. Allow for "time-out time:" Too much togetherness can simply be "too much" for anyone. If a play date starts to go long and arguments commence, a quick power nap, brief respite, or 20 minute rest-period can be just the thing to temper a short fuse or grumpy attitude. Time-out-time can give a child a much needed break to think through feelings and build up the desire to play again.

7. Have a post-meeting: After the three-way play date, sit down with your child and discuss what went right and what she might do differently next time. You might say, "I was very proud of the way you took the time to show Laura how to play the princess tag game you usually play with Maddie on play dates. That must have made Laura feel good to be included, right? Next time, if you don't think something is fair while you're playing it; don't push Laura, stop and tell her, 'I don't think you're playing fair. You need to count to 10 before running after us."

Since social skills can be learned, a threeway play date can offer the opportunities to discover how to encourage and discourage, how to lead and how to follow, how to be assertive and when to compromise.

So the next time you're entertaining three kids at your home, pulling out your hair, and muttering "never again" under your breath, remember what Grandma used to say; "it builds character." And if that doesn't work, remember her other favorite saying…"this too shall pass."

Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman is a Massachusetts-based child and adolescent development specialist whose "Powerful Words" programs and services are used worldwide. She is also a success coach for parents and educators, who are looking to achieve their goals, improve their lives or improve the lives of others. She is a writer and professional speaker who presents to PTAs, schools and organizations that focus on children or families. Interested in doing some coaching with Dr. Robyn, learning about her Powerful Words Character Program or having her present a seminar at your school or business? Go to http://www.DrRobynSilverman.com for more information. Dr. Robyn can be reached at drrobyn@powerfulwordsonline.com.