the waiting GAME

The tantrums.
The whining.
The poking.

And of course, that incessant question we all hate to hear, "Are we there yet?"

At the root of them all is a lack of patience. They want it now and they refuse to take no for an answer. Are you ready for a more patient 2008?

Brenda, a 35-year-old Mom got in touch with me to discuss how to cope with her son Gabriel's seemingly inability to wait.

"I'm a board member of the school PTO so I sometimes have telephone meetings with the other members. And without fail, every time I'm on the phone Gabriel wants to ask me a question or tell me something. I told him not to talk to me while I'm on the phone but the next time he started poking me. I told him not to poke me and the next time he wrote me a note. I told him not to write me a note ... what's he going to next time, send up flares?"

Patience can be a challenging character trait to master. After all, most people don't like to wait! Whether it's dealing with impatience while you are on the phone, impatience with learning skills, or impatience while waiting in line, children need help with learning how to be good "waiters."

Young children, who are developing "waiting skills," may not understand why they have to wait when the person on the other end of the phone is having their turn with you now.

While some children seem to be able to "occupy" their time better than others, it's often easier to get what you want right away than have to wait your turn to get it.

The good news is we can help our children exercise their patience skills so that they get better at waiting things out:

1. Start Now: Help your child work on patience from an early age. We often want to fulfill our child's wants as quickly as possible. But even older infants and toddlers can wait for a little bit. This helps them to develop patience. For example, many games involve buttons that need to be pressed in order to make something happen. If your child is having trouble say; "Games can be tough sometimes. Let's try it together. What does this button do?" Your child will feel a sense of accomplishment that would have been lost had you done it yourself.

2. Teach strategies: Many children need to be taught how to wait. Give your child options to occupy her time. "We have some time to do something while we wait! Hmmm. We could color or read a book. What do you want to do?"

3. Show them how to be patient: Whenever I work with parents or teachers, we discuss the power of modeling and how they can demonstrate the character trait they are hoping their child with exhibit. By showing our children how to be patient with our own growing, learning, and turn-taking, they will be able to follow our lead. Let them know your thought process; "I wish Aunt Lisa was here already and we could spend some time with her. I have to be patient though even though it's hard. Maybe I'll read my book for a while to make waiting easier!"

4. Give voice to your child's struggle: Sometimes our children don't know how to express their discomfort with waiting because they don't yet have the vocabulary. Let them know, "I know it can be tough to wait but we are doing a good job, don't you think? Let's keep trying and show everyone what good waiters we are." By acknowledging that they are trying, making it a team effort, and making a mutual goal, your children will work on being patient.

5. Be prepared: Young children have trouble waiting for long periods of time. In a doctor's waiting room or at a restaurant, be sure to bring things to occupy their attention. Books, workbooks, coloring books, games, and paper are great to keep on hand. Also, small snacks can take the edge off when waiting for a meal at a restaurant.

6. Practice: Activities like gardening, fishing, baking, reading, laundry, cooking, and woodworking all help children practice patience. Children also gain a great reward at the end after all their hard work and waiting!

7. Use Timer Time: A timer can help a child understand the passing of time. Asking a young child to wait five minutes or "a little while" might not be clear. Set a timer and tell your child, "When this timer goes off, it will be your turn." Don't have a timer? Sometimes, a toaster timer or oven timer can work just as well.

8. Serve up the "Praise, Correct, Praise" Sandwiches: As parents, we often focus on what the child has done wrong rather than what the child has done right. Children need to know both. "Gabriel, I like how you came into the kitchen so quietly while I was on the phone. Next time, if you need to ask me something, please sit down at the table and read your book instead of poking me on the shoulder (unless it's an emergency). When I have a moment, I will say "hold on, please" to my friend and help you with what you need. OK? But, again, thank you for being so quiet - you are getting better and better at being patient everyday!" This little nugget of "what you did right" will certainly happen again now that he's been positively recognized for it!

Not surprisingly, teaching patience ... takes patience!

As parents, we need to take a deep breath so that we can stay calm while children learn how to wait for things. We know that instant gratification is not a reality - not for us or for them. Over time, if we are patient, our children will become more skillful at the waiting game.

Here's to a happy, healthy, and more patient 2008!

Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman is a Massachusetts-based child and adolescent development specialist whose "Powerful Words" programs and services are used worldwide. She is also a success coach for parents and educators, who are looking to achieve their goals, improve their lives or improve the lives of others. She is a writer and professional speaker who presents to PTAs, schools and organizations that focus on children or families. Interested in doing some coaching with Dr. Robyn, learning about her Powerful Words Character Program or having her present a seminar at your school or business? Go to http://www.DrRobynSilverman.com for more information. Dr. Robyn can be reached at drrobyn@powerfulwordsonline.com.