FITTING IN WHILE STANDING OUT 5 Tips to Help Your Child Deal with Coming up Short in a Tall-is-All World BY dr. robyn j.a. silverman Editor's Note: This is the second in a series of articles on body image and children. Everyone thought Dylan was adorable. Girls wanted to pick him up and cart him around like a doll in a baby carriage. Boys called him "Mouse." He was 8 1/4 years old and was starting third grade. He looked like he was in first grade, however. Perhaps you know a child who is struggling with this same issue. Perhaps it's your child. Perhaps it was you! When it comes to body image, weight isn't the only thing that gets scrutinized by others. Short children often feel that they can't measure up. It can be difficult for children to cope with feeling short when their same-age friends or younger siblings start to surpass them in height. Especially at the start of a new school year, this issue gets a great deal of attention - children go for their back-to-school check-ups where height and weight are routinely examined and of course, it's only natural that students compare heights. Studies show that people unknowingly assign positive qualities to tall people. With height comes assumed qualities of worthiness, dependability, intelligence, and authoritative leadership. Even for girls, although short stature can be connected to positive qualities of being "cute" or "sweet," being short can subconsciously keep others from putting a girl in a leadership position. On a normal bell curve, some children will be tall, some will be short, and many will fall somewhere in between. It typically doesn't matter where they fall on the curve, but rather, their pattern and rate of growth over a period of time. In fact, a child who's in the 10th percentile for height and a child who's in the 90th percentile of height can have the same rate of growth. They are both normal. If a child is not growing at a consistent rate or showing a predictable pattern, a pediatrician can determine, if tests are needed. While being tall may have social advantages, being on the low end of the measuring tape can feel like you're getting the short end of the stick. How can we help our short children stand tall? 1. Be careful about transferring your worry: As caring parents, it's common to become worried about your child's height. Studies confirm that parental concern often outweighs the child's concern when it comes to height! Parents may be anxious about the possibility of their child being teased or treated unfairly. They may be stressed about what the future might hold (professionally and socially) if their child remains short in comparison to others. While the concern is good intentioned, these worries might lead to repeated measuring, comparing, and doctor's visits. When we transfer our worries to our child in this way, it teaches him that his height is an issue - even if in the child's view, this wasn't the case until it was brought to his attention. 2. Don't compare: Grade school is often about "who's in, who's out" which can be determined as easily as the color shirt the child is wearing that day or how many inches he measures. As parents and teachers, it's important that we don't inadvertently make our short children feel inadequate by comparing them to taller siblings and friends. Lining up by height or comparing how high someone's mark is on the height chart in comparison to others may feel more like a competition than interesting facts. Since a child has no control over height, such a comparison can make them feel that they will never "measure up." 3. Watch your language: Often height comparisons or statements are tainted with language bias. Parents and other family members might not think they're being hurtful, but their language may be sending messages that celebrate taller members and denigrate shorter ones. Nicknames like "shorty," "shrimp," or "pip-squeak" may be said in jest, but received as mockery. One of my coaching clients, a parent of two sons, told me that their grandmother would joke; "you wouldn't believe they're brothers - my Thomas is so short I feel like I can scoop him up like a rag doll and my Tony is so tall that I think he must hang the rainbows up after it rains." The former sends a message of insignificance while the latter sends a message of superhuman qualities. It's no wonder that Thomas always felt that his family looked at him like he was still a baby, even though he was 12 years old. 4. Celebrate all different heroes: Children need to be able to picture themselves and people like themselves as the heroes every once in a while. Superheroes, presidents, and sports stars are often described as being tall and strong. However, there are plenty of heroes who are shorter in stature while still being highly regarded. For instance, James Madison, "the father of the constitution" and "the father of the bill of rights," stood 5'3 3/4" tall. Exposing children to different kinds of people of varying heights, both from our history as well as from our own communities, can help children see that anyone can be successful no matter how tall they are. 5. Don't allow height to dictate their involvement: Life doesn't have to be a series of signs that read "too short to ride this ride." Individual sports like swimming, dance, gymnastics, and martial arts arrange children by skill level and age rather than by skill level and height or weight. Jessie, a girl with dwarfism, began martial arts at age 6. While some skills needed to be altered for her size and physical differences, she was able to excel as a leader in her class. When her mother told me, "Jessie doesn't know that she isn't supposed to be able to do any of this stuff," I responded, "Don't tell her!" Sometimes limitations come from our own limiting thoughts (or what we have been told) rather than what is truly accurate. Jessie excelled because she could and nobody told her that she couldn't. And of course, talk to your child. Ask him how he feels, what he wants, and what he hopes to become. Support these dreams just like you would any child. When it comes to our children, no matter what their height, it's important that we don't sell them short. Editors Note: Next month, look for the final colume of Dr. Robyn's article series "Fitting In When Standing Out" when she covers tips to help your child athlete deal with pressures to lose weight or bulk up in a win-at-all-costs world. Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman is a Massachusetts-based child and adolescent development specialist and body image expert whose programs and services are used worldwide. She is also a success coach for parents and educators, who are looking to achieve their goals, improve their lives or improve the lives of others. She is a writer and professional speaker who presents to PTAs, schools, and organizations that focus on children or families. Interested in doing some coaching with Dr. Robyn or having Dr. Robyn present a seminar at your school or business? Go to www.DrRobynSilverman. com for more information. E-mail her at drrobyn@powerfulwordsonline.com.