Transracial ADOPTION GUIDE

Weymouth's Karen and Richard Duseau with their children Matthew, 16 months, and Ariana, 3. When children look like their parents, that fact is often commented upon by close friends, complete strangers, and everyone in between.

Lack of resemblance also triggers conversation, and parents who share genes with their children may reach into the wider family circle to offer explanations: "He has his uncle's curly hair," or "My grandmother had that same smile."

In response to similar comments, parents who adopted their children and share physical attributes may choose whether to reveal that they built their family through adoption or keep that information private.

But when families choose to adopt a child of a different race, they have to contend with the fact that their decision may be visible, making the way their family was formed noticeable to any casual observer.

"Your adoption will be public," said Eleanor Allen, an attorney and social worker with a psychotherapy practice in Jamaica Plain. "With transracial adoption, typically, you look different from your child. With adoption in general, people feel entitled to ask inappropriate questions. When it's a transracial adoption, the questions are even more frequent and intrusive."

Dusseau family of Weymouth. Eve Berne had to learn how to handle those intrusions right away when she and her husband, who are both white, adopted a child from China two years ago. Even though their 13-month-old daughter didn't understand the fuss over her arrival, their two biological sons, then 5 and 9 years old, were listening to everything.

"We are always trying to balance our desire for privacy, our desire to model positive attitudes toward adoption - especially transracial adoption - our children's feelings, etc.," said Berne. "Mostly, people's comments and questions are benign, but sometimes they make my skin crawl. Sometimes I even get sick of all the positive comments, like 'she is so cute,' and the approving smiles.

"I feel like saying, 'We don't need your approval, thank you very much.' But then I realize that sometimes people just aren't sure what to do or say. And neither do I, sometimes."

Gayle Gledhill, whose light, freckled skin looks very different from her 17-month-old daughter's dark complexion, sometimes gets "dirty looks" and comments that she's not sure how to interpret. But she said she hasn't had any major issues with intrusiveness yet. The Wayland resident expects that to change when she and her daughter venture out into the wider community.

"My thought is every child deserves to be loved. It doesn't matter what the race is," she said, adding that Isabella was born in Massachusetts, and is of Somali heritage. "But I think a lot of people are in denial about what the future holds if they adopt a child of color, and they are white."

Understanding Needs

Allen suggested pre-adoptive parents consider more than simply whether to adopt transracially or within their own race. Parents have to be confident that they can support the needs of a child of a specific race.

"People who come to think about transracial adoption are already very open," said Allen, who adopted two children. She describes herself as biracial and says that, even though she did not adopt transracially, her children look different from her.

"The challenge is really taking seriously whether you are the family that can most support the child. Sometimes it's hard to shift to - 'Maybe we'd be a good family for an African-American child, because of our social network and the local school population, but not for a Latino child, because we don't have Latino friends or contacts.' What background are you able to support and what would you have invest to support the child? What tools and resources do you have available to you?"

Allen said that pre-adoptive parents delve into the question of how much they're willing to change after adopting transracially.

"Parenting is pretty consuming as it is," she said. "If you are a multiracial family, you're going to see opportunities for connection [with people of different races] differently than you did before ... Are you going to be able to be up for the challenge? It adds another layer of stress for your family."

For Joe Guarino and Graham McMahon, the answer is not yet clear. As a white, married gay couple living in Cambridge, they are concerned that their child, regardless of race, may be labeled as different for having two dads. Would it be too much to also have parents who are racially different? Would it be more difficult if they have a black son and easier if they have a black daughter? Would their Latino family members or their Asian friends become a strong part of their family network if they adopt a child with a similar background?

"It's a lifelong undertaking," Guarino said. "But once we've thought about what's truly right for our family unit, for our extended family, I think we have to go with our gut. There are always going to be challenges."

Role Models Needed

Susan Avery thought seriously about race, prejudice and stereotypes before adopting her three daughters - now ages 10, 13 and 15 -from China.

"When you make the decision to adopt transracially, you make the decision of what races you will consider," she said. "It's a decision-making process that is fraught with having to look hard at oneself and look at the prejudice we have ourselves. And that can be tough."

Like many parents who adopt children of another race, Avery and her husband Joe Holmes carefully considered where they would live so their children have peers who look like them. When they moved to Acton 10 years ago, Avery noticed that there was a slightly larger Asian population than in other towns. Since then, she said, there has been a noticeable increase in Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Indian, and Pakistani residents.

"These kids don't have, within the family, a role model of themselves as adults," she said. "You have to provide role models in other ways." Having friends, librarians, teachers, police officers, and other people in their communities who look like them, Avery said, gives them a sense of who they can be as adults.

It helps to have that diversity built-in to your social network and local community, rather than having to constantly seek it out. Although Kathleen Barry works as a nurse in a Jamaica Plain clinic - where as a Caucasian she is in the minority - and has friends of many different backgrounds, she has concerns about living in a mostly white community if she and her husband adopt transracially.

"We would consider moving to a more diverse town if we felt it was in our child's best interest," she said. "I'm going to be angry if people treat my child different just because of color."

But Allen points out that race continues to make a difference in American society, and parents need to prepare for that.

"The notion of being colorblind - what's behind that is wanting fairness," she said. Yet, Allen said, racial identity is not something to be swept away. "Your child's reaction [to a parent who says race doesn't matter] may be 'you don't want to acknowledge what makes me different.'"

Awakenings

Understanding and acknowledging the importance of race is an important step for transracial families, according to Allen.

"Race matters to these kids," she said. "The more you are able to understand that, the more you are able to connect with your kid."

That understanding can take time to develop. According to Deborah Haynor and Lorie A. Miller of Diversity Matters, families an adopted child of a different race often turn inward at first to bond - many embrace a "love is enough" outlook at this stage - and gradually grow into a more fully bicultural family (see related story, page 44).

Karen Duseau, mother of two adopted children, describes herself as "kneedeep" in that first joyful stage of family life. She and her husband Richard have spent the time since their children were officially adopted in December 2006 simply enjoying their new family.

"I don't think about race so much," said the Weymouth mom. Her 3-year-old daughter Ariana has Caucasian and Puerto Rican heritage, and 16-month-old son Matthew is African-American and Cape Verdean.

"I'm just so lucky I have two wonderful kids," she said.

Yet race does play a role in the family's life already, although currently only in small ways. Duseau is always looking for children's books with illustrations in which her children will see themselves reflected. And with Ariana entering preschool this year, Duseau is beginning to look around at the racial makeup of their community.

While she "always takes people for who they are, no matter their skin tone," Duseau's changed feelings about race became clear to her when she attended an informal meeting shortly after adopting. One of the evening's speakers peppered his talk with derogatory terms for people of different races and ethnicities.

"Many times before I would be put off - or maybe dutifully put off - by comments like that," she said. "But that was the first time I felt hurt."

Duseau looked across the room at an Asian friend, who remained stoic. "No one looked at me, but the entire room looked at her. It was the first time I truly understood what white privilege means."

Marguerite Paolino is a Massachusetts-based freelance writer. She writes frequently on adoption issues, and has won national awards for her articles.

Questions To Ask When Considering A Transracial Adoption