The grandmother is always there, even when she becomes the parent

"He was the only kid I know who could take a shower without getting wet," Donna Mezynski says of Dakota, the 9- year-old grandson she is raising as her own child.

Dakota has been living in Millbury with Mezynski since he was removed from the custody of his biological parents by the Department of Social Services over five years ago. He has been petrified of water the whole time.

When Dakota was younger, Mezynski would draw baths for him that were no more than three inches deep. There was a pool next door, but Dakota was leery. It wasn't until this summer, with his grandmother and his neighbors watching, that he faced his fear and jumped in. The water waved bright blue around him. He climbed out and did it again. And again, Mezynski was amazed at the breakthrough.

"We were almost in tears watching him," she says.

For men and women in Massachusetts, who take on the role of parenting children one generation removed from their own offspring, the feeling of jumping headfirst into the unknown is one they know well.

Juanita Perry of Webster took in her granddaughter, Tadashia, at the request of the then-3-year-old's mother. Tadashia is now a 24-year-old college graduate commuting from her home, with Perry, to a job in Natick. Last August, the experienced grandmother became a parent all over again as she set the wheels in motion to adopt her 6-year-old granddaughter, Cinia.

When some of Perry's biological children - she has six of them - expressed the idea that raising such a young child might be too much for her, she quickly put their concerns to rest.

"I said, 'I'd rather have her with me, because we're family, than to be in a home with foster parents,'" Perry says. "They understood that. It's working for us."

The 2000 United States Census tells us that Dakota and Cinia are just two of the 67,781 minors in Massachusetts currently living in grandparent-headed households. That's 4.5% of all the children in the state.

Lorna Callahan, an RN, is one more of the 27,915 grandparents reporting in the last census that they are responsible for the grandchildren living with them. She is raising two girls, aged 14 and 6, while working as a school nurse at the G. Stanley Hall School in Worcester. Both girls are the biological children of Callahan's daughter. Callahan is the legal guardian of her elder granddaughter, and she successfully completed the adoption process with six-year-old granddaughter. The difference between legal guardianship and adoption hinges on the level of involvement of the child's biological parents in that child's life.

"Guardianship can be undone if her father thinks that I'm not doing the right job raising her. He could go to court and petition to get her back," Callahan explains. In her elder granddaughter's situation, the father is still very involved.

Such involvement is not the case with her younger granddaughter, who has the same mother but a different father. When Callahan adopted her grandchild, the parental rights of both mother and father were terminated.

"With adoption, she is legally - not biologically, but legally - my daughter."

Switching roles - from grandmother to mother, from grandchild to son or daughter - is most often a challenge for both parties. When Callahan's eldest granddaughter first moved in, Callahan felt a loss of independence.

"I was used to going out with friends, not having to come home from work if I wanted to go and do things. I never had to think about it," she says. Suddenly, she was thrust into position of taxi driver, cook, and home nurse. "If she was sick, I had to miss work to take care of her."

Juanita Perry concurs that having children and a job are not always compatible. While searching for work recently, it was difficult to canvas area towns for opportunities and to go on interviews when she needed to be home with Cinia. In order to effectively carry out her job search, she needed a voucher to help finance a spot for Cinia in a summer or after-school program. But without a job, she did not qualify for a voucher.

Concerns about money are a common theme among women and men taking on children, when they are already on a fixed income or planning for retirement. It is in that gap - between a rock and a hard place - where many grandparents raising grandchildren reside.

In an effort to shrink the divide, there are support groups, like the one Donna Mezynski facilitates, that are created to instill a sense of camaraderie among people in this small, yet growing, demographic.

"Grandparents Raising Grandchildren," funded in part by the Massachusetts Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Children, usually has around eight regular members at its weekly meetings, with approximately 30 grandparents on the general roster. Members share information, resources, and reassurance. And - this is key - childcare is available.

"I needed to know, am I going crazy? Is this normal?" Mezynski says of the emotions behind her decision to become involved with the group over five years ago. She brought Dakota with her to the meetings and realized that the support was as much for him as it was for her.

"Once you see the grandchildren playing with each other, you know that they need this, too. They need to know that there are other children out there that are being taken care of by 'the old people.' They all know it's okay to be raised by grandparents."

While there's an oft-used quip that states the best thing about being a grandmother is that you can send the kids home with their parents at the end of the day, these three women know that's not always the case.

"As tough as this is, these girls are a gift to me. It is a gift to be able to have the chance to raise two girls with the knowledge I have today of what it means to be a parent," Callahan says. "The girls do things, things that are so funny, and I just laugh. I go 'they're just too cute.' And that's the grandmother coming out, even though I'm the mother. The grandmother is always first."

Elizabeth C. Regan is a former Massachusetts-based freelance writer, who now makes her home in Connecticut.

Grandparents Across the Country and Across the State

US:

In a 30 percent increase from 1990 to 2000, 4.5 million children are living in grandparent-headed households (6.3% of all children under age 18).

Mass:

67,781 children live in grandparent-headed households (4.5% of all children in the state). 30,615 are living there without either parent present.

US:

2.4 million grandparents report they are responsible for their grandchildren living with them: 29% of these grandparents are African American; 17% are Hispanic/Latino; 2% are American Indian or Alaskan Native; 3% are Asian; and 47% are White. 34% of these grandparents live in households without the children's parents present. 71% are under the age of 60. 19% live in poverty.

Mass:

27,915 grandparents report they are responsible for their grandchildren living with them: 14% of these grandparents are African American; 16% are Hispanic/Latino; 5% are Asian; and 62% are White. 32% of these grandparents live in households without the children's parents present. 70% are under the age of 60. 16% live in poverty.

The data was taken from the U.S. Census Bureau Table DP-2. Profile Selected Social Characteristics: 2000. Sources: Massachusetts: A State Fact Sheet for Grandparents and Other Relatives Raising Children. Washington, D.C.: AARP Foundation Grandparent Information Center, 2006.

Resources

Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

meets Tuesdays at 6:30 p.m. at the Worcester Senior Center. Contact Donna Mezynski at 508-755-1203 for more information.

For more information

on becoming a foster parent or adopting a child in Massachusetts, please call 1-800-KIDS-508 or log onto www.dsskids.org.