PARENTING1-2-3

The A-B-C's of Cooperation
dr. robyn j.a. silverman

By age 4, Jack knew his ABCs completely. He didn't even mess up the "LMNO" part. He recited them everywhere he went; at Grandmas, out at lunch, in the movie theater, and even when he was on the toilet. He thought it was a riot to say "P" when he was in the action of doing it. When I met Jack, he was having trouble cooperating and sharing with others. His mother didn't know what to do. "I tell him that he needs to share and be nice but we continue to have problems when he doesn't get his way."

I gave Jack's mother some basic tips to create opportunities for cooperation at home including + Initiate a fun project that the whole family could do together (i.e. a game, puzzle, making cookies, planting window boxes) + Design cooperative chores (i.e. one person sweeps, the other person holds the dust pan) + Teach your children to stop and ask themselves, "What will work for the other person?" when in an argument (i.e. Jack, what would be fair to Molly right now? Molly, what would be fair for Jack right now?).

But perhaps the best thing that worked for Jack was my ABCs of Cooperation, which was displayed prominently on the refrigerator, since we all knew he would have a knack for it:

A- Ask, how can I help? When we ask how we can help others, others are more likely to want to help us when we need it.

B- Believe in other people. Nobody is out to get you. Everyone just wants to have a good time.

C- Compromise. Always look for a way for everyone to be happy. Each person should feel like they got the better deal.

D- Do your part. Everyone should do their fair share of the work.

E- Encourage others. Everyone has something wonderful to offer so cheer them on!

F- Figure out what is fair. Ask each person involved, what would be fair for you?

G- Get help when you need it but...

H- Help each other first. You can often figure out the right thing to do just by talking it out amongst yourselves.

I- Include people. It is more fun when everyone gets a chance to play.

J- Jot it down. Keep a cooperation journal! At the end of the week you can give yourself a grade, see where you need to improve, and where you did a great job!

K- Keep other people in mind. When we are involved with other people, we can't just think about ourselves and what would be best for us. Ask yourself, "What would be best for everyone involved?"

L- Listen to each other. Each person has different ways of doing things. When we listen to other people, we can come up with a long list of great ideas and pick the very best ones!

M- Make people feel needed and valued. Let friends and family know that you like to be with them.

N- Name 3 ways you cooperated and helped others each day. Review your behavior. What worked? How were you helpful? How was the other person helpful?

O- Open your mind to new ideas. In order to cooperate, we must be open-minded. After all, someone else might have a better way of solving a problem that would save us all time and energy if we just opened our mind to the possibilities.

P- Praise people for their strengths and their effort. Everyone likes to know when they are doing something helpful and important. Let people know that you appreciate what they do.

Q- Quiet down when others are offering suggestions and ideas. We can not hear each other when we are talking at the same time as someone else. Someone once said, "We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak." (Epictetus)

R- Remember that two heads are better than one. One person's ideas might be good. Another person's ideas might be good. But when we put our ideas together, great ideas are born.

S- Share. Everything is more fun when we share. When we share, we get to play with twice as much!

T- Take Turns. It's only fair.

U- Understand how others are feeling. Put yourself in somebody else's shoes. How would you feel if you were them? When we take the time to think about other people's feelings, we can make the best choice.

V- Visualize yourself doing the right things. We can practice making the right choices in our heads! Think about the ways that you can show cooperation and put them on like plays inside your mind. Practice makes perfect!

W- Work together. The job will get done faster and better than if you do it alone.

X- eXamine the ways that you can do better next time. We all need to learn from our mistakes.

Y- Yearn to make things better for yourself and others each day. Look for opportunities to cooperate, collaborate and communicate better with others.

Z- Zipper your lips when you don't have anything nice to say. I think that speaks for itself.

So the next time your children are singing the alphabet song, tack on some lessons about cooperation. That way, every time they are singing their ABCs on their own, they will recall the messages of cooperation you discussed. You'll have a new respect for your ABCs - or as Jack's family calls it, the All Boys Cooperate song.

Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman is a Massachusetts-based child and adolescent development specialist whose programs and services are used worldwide. She is also a success coach for parents, adolescents, and educators, who are looking to achieve their goals, improve their lives or improve the lives of others.

She is a writer and professional speaker who presents to PTAs, schools, parents, and organizations that focus on children or families. Interested in doing some coaching with Dr. Robyn or having Dr. Robyn present a seminar at your child's school? Go to www.DrRobynSilverman.com for more information. Dr. Robyn can be reached at drrobyn@powerfulwordsonline.com