Embracing A Child's Cultural Heritage by rosemary cafasso When 11-year-old Carmen Barsomian- Dietrich had an opportunity to celebrate her birthday at her school in Canton, she chose Webster Family on their home land visit to China in April, 2006. Parents Paula and Robert and children Kelley and Katie live in Westwood. to celebrate her adoption day instead. Her mother, Andrea, came to school on Carmen's special day and read I Love You Like Crazy Cakes by Rose A. Lewis, a story about a woman who travels to China to adopt a baby girl. Like the child in this book, Carmen was adopted as an infant from China. "Her classmates were so enthralled,'' said her mother, "Carmen just loves her story.'' For children like Carmen - adopted from another country or race and growing up in American suburbs - it's not always easy to feel comfortable with who you are. That is unless you have the support from family and friends, who are willing to embrace and celebrate your cultural heritage. "This is about helping a child feel good about themselves and proud of who they are, '' said Heather Ames, director of post adoption support and education at Wide Horizons For Children, Inc., a private and non-profit adoption and child welfare agency in Waltham. Without that sense of pride, adopted children from other cultures could grow up unsure of who they are and, therefore, with lower self-esteem, experts say. Ames, other adoption experts and parents spoke recently at a workshop entitled "Embracing the Heritage of Your Adopted Child," sponsored by Resolve of the Bay State, the Massachusetts chapter of Resolve, a national infertility association. The good news is these workshop panelists, along with several other adoptive parents, report that there are numerous ways a family can embrace a child's heritage. When exploring ways to weave another culture into the existing family fabric, experts offer these suggestions: Remember that parents are the child's most important advocate, be genuine in pursuing cultural opportunities, take queues from the child on what activities to pursue and recognize that developmental stages will impact how a child feels about his or her culture. Michelle Cuff, a mother of five from Medway, learned quickly that she needed to be her daughters' greatest advocate. Michelle and her husband Jim have three biological and Caucasian children. They have an adopted daughter who is bi-racial and an adopted daughter who is African- American. "I wanted my daughters to make more meaningful connections out here in the suburbs,'' said Cuff. So, when this mother couldn't find a playgroup with other African-American children, she started one herself. The Rainbow Connection Playgroup, which was founded in 2005, meets every third Tuesday of the month at St. Joseph's Parish Center in Medway at 9:15 a.m. It is targeted at families with adopted children from other cultures and continues to welcome new members. "At first, it was like looking for a needle in a haystack,'' said Cuff, "but multicultural families are out there. It has been wonderful for my daughters." In addition to a parent playing the role of their child's advocate, it is important that parents genuinely like what cultural activities the family pursues. If the parents aren't truly interested, the child will be the first to know. "What you do needs to fit who you are, or else it will just feel fake,'' said Jacey Norton, who has two children adopted from Korea. The Framingham-based family joined a Korean church in their community. She acknowledged such a big change wouldn't work for many families, but it felt right for the Nortons. Beyond keeping it real, parents need to take queues from the child. "We celebrate, but we don't go crazy,'' said Sarah Summers, parent of 6-year-old Lucas, who was adopted from Korea. Summers is also chairperson of the Adoption Committee at Resolve, Inc. Summers said her family likes to shop at Korean markets, dine at Korean restaurants, celebrate the Korean New Year, and attend adoption-based Korean festivals. Yet when Sarah's son recently had a chance to attend an Asian culture camp, he declined. He just wasn't interested, the way any 6-year-old boy is bound to feel on occasion. This choice was fine with Lucas' parents. "We want him to take it at his own pace,'' Summers said. Finally, it is essential to grasp that as a child grows and changes, so too will his interest in his heritage. Preschool-aged children will benefit from an openatmosphere where the culture is discussed and embraced. Elementary school-aged children will likely be excited by opportunities to meet friends and attend events and festivals that celebrate who they are. But don't be surprised when children hit adolescence and want little to do with their heritage. Like any child, they will be more interested in fitting in with friends than standing out as different. "As children get older, they don't want to focus on differences,'' said Deb Olshever, principle of Adoption Associates, a counseling and therapy group based in Newton Highlands. "People shouldn't push the issue. It's not denying differences, but you don't over-emphasize it either. Parents need to respect where the child is at.'' Lynn Riley of Millis said she knows the way her family approaches the issue of heritage will change over time. She is the mother of three. Two daughters are biological and Caucasian. The youngest, a threeyear old son named Jack, is African-American and adopted. Currently, the Riley family approach is to work on keeping an open and accepting atmosphere in their home and when they deal with others. "He's not focused on it now,'' said Riley, "but we keep it part of the conversation and it is very open. Our girls have said, 'Why do people call him black when he's brown?' We never squash that. We keep it comfortable." Rosemary Cafasso is a Franklin-based freelance writer and preschool teacher.