WHO IS THE BOSS IN YOUR HOME? 5 Ways to Lay the Groundwork for Struggle-Free Discipline BY dr robyn silverman   We all know that bosses seem to be getting younger and younger in corporate America. But how old is the boss in your house? Perhaps some of you have heard me tell the story of one of my clients who was so angry with her child one day for not listening that she was struggling to maintain control. She asked her 6-year-old son, "Who is the boss here?" To which he said, "I am the boss." While we all would like our children to develop self-reliance, a drastic change needed to occur for the safety and sanity of the home. Discipline does not need to be about a power struggle. Nor does it need to be about putting stringent controls on your children. Discipline is about balance, teaching, and understanding right from wrong. It is about helping children develop strength of character so that they make good choices even when nobody is looking. Ultimately, discipline teaches children the valuable lessons of safety, fairness, and respect so that they can develop into happy, safe, and well-adjusted citizens if the world. 1. State the Rules Clearly: These rules should be known to everyone and made simple enough for everyone to understand. Start as early as possible so that rules are followed from the beginning. Clear rules that have specific explanations for their existence will help you cut the number of "nay saying" substantially. Make sure to avoid making rules with several conditions. For example, one parent told me she was frustrated that she needed to keep telling her son "no, you may not play with your Gameboy" since she felt he played it too much. Her rule, however, was convoluted and difficult to understand. Her son was told he could play with the Gameboy after he finished his homework and he could play it on the weekends, if his room was clean but only if his friends were around but not if his grandparents were visiting. These are a lot of conditions for a boy to memorize. Simplicity is best. Dr. Robyn J.A. Silverman is a Massachusetts-based child and adolescent development specialist, whose programs and services are used worldwide. She is also a success coach for parents, adolescents, and educators, who are looking to achieve their goals, improve their lives or improve the lives of others. As the creator of the character curriculum for PowerfulFamily.com, her curriculum for families during October will center on discipline! This is the time to lay the groundwork for strength of character in your family. Visit www.powerfulfamily. com to receive a trial month of the POWerful Family or to sign up for a parenting seminar. Dr. Robyn can be reached at drrobyn@ powerfulwordsonline.com 2. Avoid Bribes: Bribes are not rewards for good behavior. When you tell your child that you will buy her an ice cream cone if she cooperates and cleans her room, you are not setting her up for future spontaneous good behavior. You are bribing her to do something that you have asked her to do. Now, she will begin to expect this power over you in the future. In this case, frankly, she is the boss. Good behavior should not be conditional. A reward is successfully applied only after she does the behavior without any coercion from you. So, in this case, when your daughter cleans her room without being asked, this would be the perfect time to provide a reward. Such rewards do not need to cost any money - just your time. 3. Stay Calm: When your child sees the easy ways to push your buttons, he will press them as much as possible because it puts him in control. One of my clients came to me in desperation a few years ago saying, "My boys won't listen. They yell and yell and then laugh at me because I am so upset!" Upon asking her to explain the situation, leading up to the break down she told me, "this time they were arguing in the car and I started yelling at them to stop." There are really two things going on here. First, the boys felt a sense of accomplishment when their mother got upset and lost control of her emotions. Secondly, the mother was modeling the exact behavior she did not want her sons to exhibit - yelling. When we stay calm, we can think more clearly and we can show our children a better way of dealing with disagreements and arguments. 4. Provide Choices Not Orders: Nobody likes it when they have no say in what they do, say, or wear each day. While we want to make sure that our children make safe and fair choices, it is important that we show our children that there is more than one way to do things. One father told me that he took his daughter to a restaurant and ordered a grilled cheese for her, since he knew she liked them. When the dish came, she argued that she didn't want to eat it. The father began to get agitated and telling her, she had to eat the meal. After much frustration and some tears from the child, she finally revealed the problem, "I wanted a cheeseburger." By providing a choice, a child feels empowered, respected, and prideful of the decision made. 5. Follow Through With Consequences: This is true whether it is a positive consequence or a negative consequence. Positive rewards and praise for good choices are just as much part of disciplining your child than providing negative consequences for poor choices. You can even have your child participate in deciding some of the consequences for broken rules prior to the occurrence! When you state a consequence be sure to be firm about the execution. For example, when you tell a child, "You will not be able to watch TV for the rest of the day if you and your sister don't stop arguing" you must be ready to follow through. If you promised three chances, don't give two and don't give four. You are not playing "let's make a deal." After all, many of the pleasurable things your children are participating in are privileges - and privileges must be earned and maintained everyday. One Final Note: Be consistent. Wishywashy rules that can be altered or brushed under the carpet are a recipe for anarchy. Remember - there is always a pint-sized candidate ready to take over position of head boss in your family.