Sole Providers

Kathy Meade always thought she would find the right man, get married, and have children. But after years of dating, she still hadn't gotten past step one.

Friends kept suggesting she look into adoption, but she wouldn't consider it, at first. The cost of the process was daunting, and she didn't think she could swing day care expenses on her teaching salary. Her perspective only began to change when a friend asked what she would do if she got pregnant: abort or make an adoption plan?

"Bingo! It finally dawned on me that I could find a way to afford adoption and child care" the Millis resident said.

Meade decided to rearrange the order of the steps she'd originally laid out. At age 45, she found someone special to share her life: she adopted Danny in 2001, when he was four weeks old. Meade is not alone.

Single women are increasingly creating families for themselves through adoption after - or instead of - infertility treatments. Some single men are turning to adoption, as well. According to data collected by the U.S. Census Bureau in 2000, five percent of the nation's 1.58 million adopted children under 18 live with a single parent who has never married - 10,529 with their fathers, 68,722 with their mothers.

With the current prevalence of single-parent homes formed by other circumstances, families created through single-parent adoption don't stand out, as they might have in the past.

"Most people make the assumption that you're divorced," said Naomi, a Needham mom, who did not want her last name used. She added that other parents from her daughter's preschool were surprised to learn that she was single and had adopted. The only person who asked her directly about her family was a 3-year-old child, and Naomi kept her answer simple and to the point. The young child easily accepted the response: "Our family doesn't have a dad."

Naomi knows her daughter will have questions as she gets older. For now, she looks at her single status in a positive way as much as possible.

"She doesn't share me with anyone," she said. "There's no bickering, there's no inconsistency in how she's being raised, and there's no arguing for her to hear. [On the other hand,] she also isn't seeing the role model of a relationship between two caring adults, but that's something I just can't do ...

"I would love her to have a dad, and I would love for me to have a partner. That would be a welcome addition - for the right person. Without it, we have a wonderful relationship with the two of us."

Lingering Resistance

Sherry Fine adopted the first of her two children in 1980, and, while single-parent adoption is still not the most common form of building a family, at that time it was news. She and a single friend who had also adopted actually were featured on a local television news program.

"It's a different path. It's not a traditional path," said Fine, a social worker who co-founded and codirects the Adoption Network in Newton. "It was the way for me to go."

She emphasized that there can be strong resistance to single-parent adoption. Even close family members had difficulty accepting her interest in becoming a single mom.

"My mother was absolutely opposed to me adopting," she said. "It meant I wouldn't get married - and I'd be bringing a person of another race into the family. Now, she's the proudest grandmother. People can change."

Fine encourages other singles to consider adopting a child.

"There are children out there and they are waiting," she said. But she has no illusions about the difficulties of parenting.

"I would never have anticipated the challenges of parenting," Fine said. "And when you thrown on the added layer of being single, of the child being another race, the challenges multiply ... I felt, very naively, if you love a child enough you can love away all the challenges, all the damage done to these kids ... But would I do it all over again? Absolutely."

Building Support

A single parent needs to start preparing everything a little sooner than someone who shares parenting responsibilities with a partner - and that includes establishing a support system before the adoption takes place.

Fine built her own network of friends she could rely on, since she had no family nearby. She has fond memories of having a friend's children stay overnight on Fridays so their mom could have a break. After breakfast on Saturday morning, it was her turn.

"Now my extended family is all over, and it has very little to do with blood relationships," she said.

Support groups, like Single Mothers by Choice (SMC) and Single Parents for the Adoption of Children Everywhere (SPACE), provide an important source of help, information and encouragement for singles who are considering adoption or who have already become parents. Adoption Web sites features links especially for single parents and online support groups abound.

Ruth Bodian, 40, already has a support network in place, although she is still waiting for a child to be placed with her.

"[Parenting] can be consuming, and it takes all your energy," said Bodian, who is considering a move so she and her child will be closer to family. "I won't have another person to share the load."

Karen Thomas, a former Watertown resident, recently moved back to her native England to be close to her family after adopting Jada Lily, who was born in October 2005.

"I've had a complete mind-shift," she said. "I want her to grow up with her family, my family. It wasn't part of the master plan to move home, but now that I have Jada, this is where I need to be. Priorities do change. But priorities are a lot easier to figure out [when you're a parent]."

Thomas's support network in Massachusetts included a group of women she met during a seminar for singles considering adoption.

They met frequently to share the stresses and frustrations of going through the adoption process. Then, as the members began to welcome their children home, the group became a support for the new families.

"It was nice because you go there and have another layer of support," said Thomas, 41.

With this group of friends, there was an understanding not just of the big challenges facing single mothers but also of the small ones - like taking family snapshots. In a single-parent home, "one of the hardest things is getting your picture taken with your kid," Thomas said.

Single Income,

No Safety Net

Financial issues can be of particular concern to a single parent.

Thomas faced one of the most dreaded, just as she was adopting her daughter: she was laid off from her marketing job.

"It's been tough," she said, "but I have never regretted my decision to adopt."

Naomi, the Needham mom, also had a job loss coincide with adoption. The day she went to court in Russia to finalize her daughter's adoption was her last day of employment.

"I've had to be creative and resourceful and make it up as I go along," said Naomi, 48. Now, she's teaching part-time and working as a freelance Web design consultant. "I have figured out how to live as inexpensively as it is possible to do," she said, adding that friends' hand-me-down clothing and toys help.

But the financial stresses, Naomi believes, are balanced by the rewards. She described the funny songs her daughter makes up, and she's clearly proud of her child's creativity and sense of humor.

"It's wonderful to see the world through the eyes of a very inquisitive child. She really is a joy," she said.

Framingham resident Tracy Ryan, who adopted her now-3- year-old daughter from Russia in 2004, worries about getting sick. "Who do you have take care of your child when you're sick with the flu for a full week?" she said.

So far, she's managed to figure it out as she goes along. And her daughter is worth all the effort.

"I'm like a different person - a happier, more full, more complete person - since I've adopted," Ryan said. "It's the best thing I've ever done in life."

Marguerite Paolino is a Massachusetts-based freelance writer, who won a national award for

her adoption reporting.