ADOPTIONINSIGHTS

Kim Stevens, a mother of two Caucasian birth sons and four children adopted from the foster care system, has a series of unwritten rules in her household. #1 Rule: Racism is not tolerated. #2 Rule: Each child has permission to explore their culture and backgrounds. #3 Rule: She and her husband are always on the lookout for adult role models, who share her children's Latino and African-American heritages.

Stevens, a licensed social worker and independent consultant of foster care and adoption issues, is the founder and executive director of the youth advocacy and empowerment group Raising Children's Voices, Inc.

She frequently speaks on the topic of blending multiracial families and has much advice for prospective adoptive parents considering a transracial or transcultural adoption.

Children and their families await a visit with an African storyteller and drum group, an event sponsored by New England Alliance of Multiracial Families. Families must first explore their own attitudes about race and ethnicity, she said.

She stressed that when parents adopt a child of another race or culture, it is not only the child who is different. The family becomes a multiracial family, which brings certain responsibilities.

"We talked with both sides of our family and our friends, and we've gotten rid of people who just aren't culturally competent," said Stevens, who lives in East Bridgewater. "Anything that makes fun of one person because of something about who they are and where they came from is not allowed. It was important our birth sons knew that before other kids came into the family. If your birth kids already know your family is a place where everyone is important and is to be treated with dignity, that's a great place to start. One of our family's favorite movies is Remember the Titans. It's such a great way to have a dialogue about racism and values without making it directly about the kids."

Consider Your Lifestyle

Adoption experts advise parents in multiracial families to examine their lifestyle, such as whether they live in an integrated neighborhood where their child will attend an integrated school. Other considerations are whether the parents have friends of different races and ethnic groups who can teach children about their heritage and tell them what to expect as they mature.

Children visit with an African-American Santa Claus at a New England Alliance of Multiracial Families event. "I go to my African-American friends and ask how do you teach your kids about racism and will you help me," said Stevens. "It adds so much to your family by giving your kids role models. For African-American and Latino kids, the people in charge are almost always white. They need to see that the people who look like them can be in charge, or they can feel powerless."

Debra Shrier, an adoption social worker/post-adoption counselor for Wide Horizons for Children in Waltham as well as a mother by adoption and birth, agrees that adult role models of color are vital for a multiracial family.

"You want the children to be proud of who they are," said Shrier. "White parents will never know what it's like to look in the mirror and see the different colored skin. You don't know how other people view that child. You don't know what it's like to walk into a store and have somebody be suspicious because they're a teen and they're black... they could be valedictorian of their class and get that reaction."

Allying Yourself With Others

Even if your family lives in a non-diverse community, there are ways to find role models and learn about your child's culture. Many adoption support groups and organizations exist for this purpose, including the New England Alliance of Multiracial Families. According to Administrative Director Andrew Richard, the organization has existed since 1992 and has a membership base of more than 50 families, primarily in Massachusetts.

Among the wide range of activities, both social and educational, are a visit with an African-American Santa, apple picking, and camping weekends. Richard said that one of the most popular events is a hair care party where parents learn how to care for courser hair types. The alliance has five active groups: a toddler playgroup, preschool playgroup, kids at play group, girls club, and book club.

"NEAMF is mainly a place where the children can see other families who look like theirs," said Richard. "Most of our families tend to live in suburban areas that aren't culturally diverse. Our meetings are just like a family reunion."

Melanie and James Tringali of Medford, who are both Caucasian, joined the alliance after adopting a biracial daughter, Makayla, now 3.

"The benefit for me is that I don't feel like I'm alone or that my family is different from other families," said Melanie Tringali. "It also helps us with some of the cultural differences. The important thing is to connect with other people who are in your situation. As time goes on, it becomes a lot easier and you gravitate toward people who are accepting of your family differences and shy away from those who aren't. I liked that the group wasn't all white people who had just adopted biracial children. There are also families that have biracial children by birth, and that was important for me as they have a different degree of experience."

Monique Clark of Natick grew up in Germany and is of Dutch, German, Austrian, and Jewish descent. She and her husband, Darnell, who is African-American, have two daughters by birth, Stephanie, 15, and Victoria, 11. Since her daughters look more African-American, Clark has been asked, if she adopted them.

"My husband's family doesn't live nearby, nor does he have many African-American friends in the area, so in day-to-day life his being African-American didn't have much of an impact other than having someone who looks like them at home," Clark said. "One thing I think is nice in many ways is that my girls have met Darnell's family in Detroit and been immersed in the African-American community there. I don't think they ever thought they didn't fit in. They have also visited my family and friends in Europe and have fit in there."

Clark said she joined the alliance to meet more families like hers in the area, which she believed was particularly important when the girls were younger. The family especially enjoyed the Halloween bashes, ice cream socials, summer drop-ins at the beach, and the hairdresser workshop.

"My children are multiracial," said Clark. "I want them to experience the African-American, as well as German and Dutch cultures. I believe ethnicity is more important than race. I'd suggest that adoptive parents introduce their children to different cultural events, foods, languages, and travel. The world is growing smaller by the minute and there are black people all over the world. You can only do so much. Adoptive children need love more than anything else. If they are curious about their heritage, help them find out. Everybody should learn a little bit about other cultures, traditions, and values. It would make the world a much better, more peaceful place."

For more information on the New England Alliance of Multiracial Families, call 617962-3886 or visit www.neamf.org .

Award-winning freelance writer Stacy Juba lives in Blackstone with her husband and daughter.