ADOPTION INSIGHTS

ADOPTIONINSIGHTS

"Adopting a child who looks like the family poses its own challenges," said Debra Shrier, MSW, LCSW, mom by adoption and birth and a social worker at Wide Horizons For Children in Waltham. "A family must decide who to tell or if they'll tell at all that a child in their family is adopted." Shrier was one of a handful of speakers who shared their experience at a conference sponsored by ODS Adoption Community of New England, an organization based in Holliston.

In a session titled, Blending Same Race Biological and Adoptive Families, Shrier and other speakers talked about the unique issues facing a parent with a blended (a family with birth and adopted children in it), same race family.

Blending same race is just one way to pull a family together, said Joan Clark, Executive Director of ODS ACONE.

"There are no accidents. You'll be glad to be connected to a child, any child. There's nothing in the world like it." That's the miracle of it: We can look the same, or different, and still be family."

While openness about adoption is important between family members, does a family need to open with everyone about their adoption?

Shrier said each experience is unique. She gave an example of how some teachers, once they hear that a child was adopted, immediately stereotype the child as having ADHD. However, she said some school systems are fantastic and hold discussion groups that teach administration and staff how to talk appropriately about adoption.

One advantage of same race blending is that when a child looks like the family, it minimizes the questions from strangers.

"You don't always have to explain where your child came from," said Shrier.

Wakefield resident Cindy (who preferred not to give her last name) told the group assembled she and her birth siblings looked like they were from three separate birth families.

"We looked different even though we had the same biological parents," she said.

Connecticut resident John Brown worried that he didn't want to adopt a child that would eventually tower over his birth son.

"He is a peanut and we don't want something like that to disrupt the family. We want the experience to be positive," he said

Shrier explained how kids look like each other when they are little. Then, they get older and can hit a "gangly" stage. She was pleased that Brown showed "sensitivity to their first birth child."

The Browns were weighing everything out, getting as much information as they could, and trying to figure out what was best for their family.

Sibling Relationships

"Who feels in and who feels out depends on the connectedness of the siblings," said Shrier. "Sometimes children would rather be connected to their siblings than their parents. Sometimes the adoption piece gets more attention and the siblings wish it would go away."

A time may come when the adopted child wants to know about his birth parents or roots. He may say, "I want to know who I look like, just like my siblings know that they look like you."

Shrier said, "If you have information about your adopted child's birth family, share it. If you don't have information, say, 'I wish I knew, too. I wonder about that myself.'"

Help them through the "gangly" age.

"Your eyes may be brown and ours blue and your hair may be curlier, but you are beautiful to us and loved very much," she said.

"Sometimes the birth child can feel short-changed. So much attention can be put on making the adopted child feel special, " said Shrier.

She asked parents to be as open to discussion with their birth children as they are with their adopted children. She suggested these six tips:

 Advocate for your child. Start a discussion group with your school district.

 Talk about the birth parents for the adopted child.

 Give children what information they can handle.

 Keep discussion age appropriate.

 Celebrate the differences. "Even if you are adopting within the same race, parents don't have to focus on the similarities," said Shrier. "If an adopted child is musically or athletically inclined and these talents are new to the family, this takes you on a journey."

 Celebrate the similarities, too. Similarities between birth children, parents, and adopted children are fascinating. Sometimes, adopted children start looking like their parents. Sometimes adoptive parents and adopted children find they both enjoy math.

 Help your children "get it" when it comes to understanding their own family's dynamic. Shrier suggested reading How I Was Adopted by Joanna Cole and Mr. Roger's Let's Talk About Adoption. "When kids are given good tools, kids start sharing information and that's really neat," concluded Shrier.

Randi Zanca is a freelance writer, who lives in Northbridge with her husband and their two boys.