My husband and I knew we did not want to leave our three children's sex education up to bus rides, classrooms and the news. Still, when our 12-year-old son followed up our parent-child heart-to-heart with, "Do you and mom do that?" I held my breath. I can remember closing my eyes, the way you do when the roller coaster starts to dip at incredible speed, and your husband has his arms up in the air, laughing all the way down.

My fearless husband just repeated everything he had just said about respect and love and privacy while I exhaled slowly with relief. Then he added with metaphorical flair "Your body is like a temple and until you've met the one who will be the best parent for your future children, only you should pray there."

I emphasized the word, future, for added effect.

But I was the one praying that we had done the right thing. After all, the kids seemed so young, and sex is hard to teach.

What the Experts Have to Say
Linda and Richard Eyre, grandparents of 23 children and authors of How to Talk to Your Children About Sex explain that ignoring the subject is like putting your child alone in a paddle boat that is headed for a giant waterfall.

The husband and wife team suggest having the big talk with your child at age 8. Why so young? They say it's best to start early when children are conceptually able and not cynical, but also encourage all parents that it's never too late to start. Parents of nine children, whose grown kids now use the same philosophy with their children, the Eyres believe this is what works:

• Start early and take the lead. The truth is that it's easiest for us to develop good communication with our children when they are young. We can start by using correct terms for all body parts - including the sex organs - and by pointing out how children's and adults' bodies are different.
• Find the right time. Finding the right time includes making the best of teachable moments - everyday moments in our lives that can prompt a conversation, like seeing a pregnant woman. Always follow through if you have to pick up the conversation later.
• Find the right places and situations for talking. Some parents and children talk more easily when they're doing something else - taking a walk, traveling in a car, playing a game or cooking. We may have to try out different places before we find one that's really comfortable.
• Talk a little bit at a time. Doing a little bit at a time helps set realistic goals when we talk with our children. It also helps keeps children from feeling overwhelmed.
• Let our children know we're available. We show we are available by not putting our children off unless it's necessary. By paying attention to our body language - not crossing our arms over our bodies, sitting at the same level as our children, leaning toward them and speaking in a moderate, easy tone - we show our children how much we care about them.
• Spend more time listening than talking, and get to know the world our children live in. It's always tempting to jump in and give our point of view, but if we spend some time just listening and asking questions, we help our children learn how to explain their ideas clearly.
• Being honest with our children encourages them to be honest with us.
  It is very important to gain our children's trust when we talk with them about sex and sexuality. If we are always honest, their trust in us will grow, and they will continue to come to us for advice about their concerns.
• Respect our children's privacy as much as we value our own. We can all decide what we're comfortable about sharing with each other. For example, if a child or teen asks when we first had sex, and we don't want to answer, we might say, "I don't feel comfortable answering that right now," or, "I'd like to keep that private." We need to respect that our children may want to keep things private sometimes, too.
• Build self-esteem and don't use scare tactics. Many of us think that frightening stories will help keep our children from taking risks and help them to postpone becoming sexually active. But that is not true. The best way to keep our children from taking risks is to help them build self-esteem. We must give them credit for their talents, accomplishments and insights. We can help them most by offering constructive advice and by avoiding criticism and punishment. And we must assure them in all our interactions with them that they are normal.
• Make it a habit to share values and beliefs, and remain connected. The most important way for us to share our values and beliefs is to model them for our children. By setting good examples that show how our lives are enriched by our values, we encourage our children to embrace our values, too.
  

(valuesparenting.com)
Richard Eyre finds that the growing concern from parents in this country is that their children view sex as a recreational activity, a time of experimentation or an achieved status quo. Teens seem to look down on other teens who are virgins.

"A stigma has been building and because of it, kids are not prepared for the emotional dangers they are not ready to handle," says Richard. "We find when we poll our parents, they are mostly embarrassed to even start up a conversation about sex with their child, or worse wait until their son or daughter brings it up, which is sometimes, never."

However, the single greatest protection for kids, and the strongest motivation for avoiding early, dangerous sex, says the Eyres, is "to grow up thinking sex is a wonderful spectacular miracle that not only makes babies but can also bind couples and families together in a happy, loyal way."

"Parents should take a pre-emptive stance," says Richard explaining that beginning an open age-appropriate communication with a child when a child is younger is the time to develop trust and open doors for later talks about anything and everything.

So, take a deep breath, and know this, a parent who is not afraid to talk about sex with a child, will raise a child who isn't afraid to talk to a parent about anything. What more could you ask for as a parent of a child in today's world?

To learn more about Richard and Linda Eyres, visit valuesparenting.com.

Bonnie J. Toomey is a freelancer writer, the mother of four and grandmother to two more. She lives with her husband of 30 years and their dog, Molly, in North Central Massachusetts. For more information, visit Bonnie's blog at parentforward.blogspot.com.